The Dead Hypnotist: Part Five

As I paced the stage in the small town hall auditorium, it began to dawn on me exactly how lucky I was. Most detectives, even those that spend years studying the craft before entering the field, wait years, sometimes decades before dealing with a case like this. Even then, very few are able to crack it and even fewer solve it with an epiphany out of the blue.

Indeed, this was a once in a lifetime moment for me, or so it seemed, and I was going to take a moment to relish it.

Though the auditorium didn't have much in the way of equipment, I made do with the overhead projector and stack of aluminum easels they had in storage. From there, it only took a steady hand, a good marker and a few over-sized pieces of poster board to create the drawings I needed and a few minutes on my computer to develop the transparencies I wanted.

I knew that I was playing to a tough house. Even Mike and April were very skeptical of my solution. However, a few quick interviews and a return trip to the site more or less proved my case and left Mike feeling so sure of my work that he called a meeting of all of the survivors and families of the victims. I, in turn, asked that David be included on the guest list as I did the local police. I figured they too would be interested in what I had to say.

However, Mike's confidence nor April's support did anything to waylay my nerves. As I frantically went through my impromptu presentation, April set out folding chairs for the guests and checked all of the signs outside. Though refreshments weren't being served, I sure as Hell at least wanted to offer the courtesy of making sure everyone could find the place with ease.

About fifteen minutes before the meeting was scheduled to begin, the guests began to trickle through the door. Since most of the faces were new to me, I took a moment to introduce myself to each group as they came in. Not only did they seem genuinely relieved to meet me face to face after receiving Mike's call, but it did wonders to take my mind off of my upcoming presentation.

Originally I had expected only six or seven of the families to be represented, but by about ten minutes after I was scheduled to begin, the small auditorium was standing room only and, by my count, all ten of the victims of the turn had someone there and two of the survivors had shown up. Also, to my further surprise, so did the local police, in full uniform, and even David Marx sneaked in as I was preparing to start opening remarks.

Once I was sure everyone was seated, I dashed up to the stage and positioned myself front and center. Almost immediately I realized that, without a podium or even a mic to hide behind, I felt very vulnerable and awkward. However, the tension was far too thick to turn around now and, with only a slight crack in my voice, I began.

“As most of you know by now, my name is Special Detective Tony Altru. I have spent much of the past month investigating the bizarre accidents on Route 81. As you all are aware, ten people have died on that road in the past two years and another three have been seriously injured. It is, officially the deadliest turn in the state and it's apparently become embroiled in some local folklore about a curse on the property. I'm here today to assure you that there's no such thing.”

Some members of the audience began to get uneasy and either started whispering among themselves or idly shifting around in their chairs. Though they were all fairly quiet, in the high ceiling auditorium it sounded more like a dull roar.

“Now, before I begin, I want to apologize to some of you. When I first began this investigation, I tried to tie together the victims. While this is a tried and true method of investigating that usually yields great results, this time it was the wrong approach to take and, in the process, I can tell that I brought up some painful memories for a few of you. For that I am sorry.”

Only Mr. Carney reacted to that statement. Though I couldn't tell if he was still bitter or if my apology had helped at all, it seemed to have had an impact on him and, in the end, that was the best I could hope for.

I walked over to my first easel and unveiled a diagram of the turn. It was a crude drawing, lines for the road, circles for trees and a mass of scribbling to represent the embankment, but it was clear and legible.

“Now,” I continued as I pulled out my laser pointer to use with the diagram, “All of the accidents took place on this turn. In every case the car was traveling northbound, on the road, lost control at the start of this turn and slammed into the embankment without any evidence of braking or trying to swerve away. The question on everyone's mind tonight is 'What did that happen?'”

The crowd was already getting impatient with me, though I'd only been talking for about ten minutes, some of the men were checking their watches and the women were folding arms across their laps. David, for his part, seemed ready to fall asleep and the cops were standing at the back chatting among themselves.

“Now, to understand how it happened, we have to understand what happened and that means looking at what the accidents had in common,” I walked over, flipped on the overhead and threw on my first slide, a bulleted list of similarities, “All of the accidents took place between four and seven in the evening on clear days. All of the victims were driving roughly fifty-five miles an hour and they were all alone. Most were driving light colored cars and none, as far as we know, had music on in their vehicle.”

The crowd erupted, no longer were they whispering politely between themselves, but now they were talking to one another, loud enough where I could easily hear snippets of their frustration as they vainly tried to keep their bitterness quiet.

“If you'll let me finish, I promise this will all be worth your time,” I said motioning for them all to calm down.

One of the family members stood up from his chair, “What does this have to do with how my daughter died?”

“What do you mean?” I asked flatly.

“I mean, music, come on, what does that have to do with anything? If I found out that you dragged me here to feed us a line I'm going to…” his wife reached up and pulled him down before he could finish his sentence.

“Music,” I continued, trying to keep my voice calm, “Probably doesn't mean anything to you. But it would have meant everything to Jeffery Marx.”

Some of the members of the crowd let out a sharp gasp. It was obvious that the name had been elevated to something of bogeyman status in the area and these people, either consciously or unconsciously, were scared of him.

More importantly though, I knew I had their attention.

I walked back up to the overhead projector and swapped out the slide for another bulleted list, this one about Jeffery Marx. “Mr. Marx, by profession, was a hypnotist. After his graduation from college he embarked on a mildly successful private practice using drugs to induce hypnotism. Though he was good at what he did, he was too controversial and was shut down, after which, he was forced into stage hypnotism.

“Unfortunately, drugs don't work well on stage and Marx was never able to use sound successfully. These days you can buy tapes to do it for you, but back then he resorted to bribing his participants, which was what led to his second downfall.”

The crowd was unimpressed, they had heard all of this before. Least impressed was David who was literally twiddling his thumbs to keep himself occupied.

“What isn't known is that, after his father's death and subsequent move to this part of the world, Jeffery resumed his studies. However, rather than taking up his old trick of using drugs again, he delved into something relatively new, hypnotism through light. He pushed forward into the subject, apparently making a lot of progress and even doing a few test trials of it, only to have that come to a halt when he launched his campaign against the new highway.

“Unfortunately, like almost everything else he tried, Jeffery failed at stopping the highway. Though it didn't drastically hurt his farm subsidies like he had predicted, it was still a personal defeat.”

The family members started taking slightly more interest in what I was saying. The new information, as little as it was up to that point, had whet their appetites nicely and I decided to keep the ball rolling.

“But then, he saw something, an opportunity. Here was a man who was a total failure. He was known as a fraud hypnotist, a lunatic and now a failed political figure. He saw a chance to prove his authenticity and he went for it, even though it would mean that many people would get hurt or killed, sadly, including you and your family members.”

The crowd was literally on the edge of their seats. Every time I stopped to take a breath I could hear nothing but the sound of perfect silence coming from them. Even David had started paying attention to my speech.

Unfortunately though, I realized that I had gotten ahead of myself and that I needed to backtrack some to adequately explain what was going on.

“Now, Jeffery knew where the road was going to go, the path had already been cut and some of it even paved. He knew that the speed limit would be fifty five since that's the standard speed limit on these types of highway and, with that simple knowledge, he laid out a plan. For his final act of revenge, he did one simple thing, he erected a tree wasll along the road.”

The room let out a sharp groan, the anti-climax was uncontrollable. Several people stood up to shout at me but all were dragged down by their husbands, wives or children. Finally, after a few moments of murmuring, Mr. Carney stood up and said, “What the Hell does a tree wall have to do with this?” The crowd murmured their approval.

I scratched my head idly and gave him a few seconds to cool off, “If you'll let me finish, I'll tell you.”

With that Mr. Carney sat back down and, slowly, the room began to quiet.

“I spoke with Jeffery's landscaper the other day,” I continued, “Though this company erects tree walls all the time, Mr. Marx's was a first. He didn't want just a simple tree wall to hide the house from the road, he wanted it done his way exactly. He had marked where he wanted each tree planted and even picked out the trees from his lot. The landscaper noticed that the spacing was uneven and tried to sell him on a more straightforward approach that would be cheaper and offer more privacy. Jeffery didn't bite. However, since he exhibited the same kind of totalitarian control over his flower beds, the workers wrote it off as him being an obsessive-compulsive lunatic and merrily took his check.

“However, the truth is that the tree wall was more than a privacy screen, it was a weapon. A weapon that became activated when the sun started to go down.”

I walked over to the second easel and revealed another drawing of the curve. This one had the tree line clearly marked and a series of black streaks running across the road. My audience, for their part, was looking back and forth bewildered, wondering where I was going with this.

“As you can see on this diagram, as the sun sets in the west, it causes the trees to project a series of shadows onto the road. These shadows produce patterns of light areas and dark areas on the road. As as a person drives down the road, flashes of light are reflected off of the hood and, some times, into the person's eyes. Jeffery, for his part, spaced the trees perfectly so that, if you were driving fifty five miles an hour, the trees would simulate a pattern of lights used to relax and subdue someone undergoing hypnosis.”

The crowd finally reacted sharply. There was so much shuffling and murmuring that none of it was coherent. The survivors, were the only ones not moving around, they sat almost completely still as the realization began to sink in.

“Now, this isn't a perfect or even a good set up,” I continued once the crowd died down, “There's a million ways it can go wrong. If you drive too fast or too slow, the pattern is just irritating. If you have distractions around you such as a car stereo or another person in the vehicle, you likely wouldn't pay enough attention to the flashes in order for them to have an effect. Finally, you had to be susceptible to hypnosis. Likely candidates there are people who were tired, older or somehow rendered weak mentally or had their focus dampened. However, driving along route 81 for a few miles is enough to make you zone out no matter who you are.

“But, despite all of the odds against it, it still worked thirteen times in the past two years and, if given long enough, will work again. All it takes is the exact right combination of variables to come together and, as you all know, tragedy strikes.”

The crowd began to rise up again. I phased out for a second and began to watch and listen to their talking. From what I could tell, it was all a mixture of patting me on the back and disbelief of my theory. Though I had done the math and confirmed the pattern, I knew that breaking out my calculator wasn't going to quell their doubt. Instead, I just decided to let them debate it amongst themselves and let time prove me right.

After all, I didn't care if they believed I was a voodoo priest that lifted the curse or a good detective, all I wanted was the killing to stop.

One of the men in the crowd stood up and snapped me out of my daydreaming, “What are we going to do about this?”

“I'm glad you asked,” I responded trying to sound courteous, “I invited the current owner of the land, David Marxam, Jeffery's son, here so that we can get his permission to cut down some of the trees in the tree wall. It wouldn't take much to break the pattern, a few dozen along the mile stretch perhaps, but we still need his permission to do it.”

David seized the moment and stood up, “Um, I just want to say that I'm sorry about this. Listen, I had no idea this was going on, I just, well, I just thought it was a bad curve, that's all. I didn't know what my father had done. I'm sorry, very, very sorry” he said in a solemn, timid tone.

An unintelligible cat call came from the back of the room causing David to hang is head for a second. “Listen,” he continued, “I can't make it up to you guys, I know. But, if it'll do any good, you can cut down all of the trees you want. Take down the whole damn thing for all I care. It's not worth this.”

“Thank you David,” I said calmly, “I'll see to it that crews are there next week. The rest of you, don't hate him for what's happened to you and your relatives. It's not his fault. He didn't know. If you're going to take it out on anyone, make it your local police.”

The comment caught the cops off guard. They broke their conversation suddenly and nearly fell over. I met their gaze for a split second, one of them, though I couldn't tell which, hated me with such ferocity that he was almost foaming at the mouth. The other just threw a cold, icy gaze that looked almost criminal in nature.

“You see,” I said with a smile, “Jeffery Marx based all of his calculations on the speed limit being fifty-five. What he didn't predict was that, due to the dangerous turn, that most of the mile was actually reduced to a forty five mile an hour zone. Of course, you didn't know that and neither did your deceased relatives because the sign was hidden behind an unpruned branch. However, the police did know about it and ignored it because it made collecting speeding tickets that much easier.”

One of the two officers lurched forward as if to rush the stage but was held back by his buddy. Almost the entire crowd turned around to face the two of them, some were shouting obscenities, some were simply asking, almost pleading, for them to say it wasn't true. The men behind the badges said nothing. The one that had just tried to rush me stood there and foamed, locking his gaze on me while completely ignoring the mob forming around him while the other hung his head slightly and let the realization sink in.

Mike came onto the stage. For most of the talk he had entrenched himself in the corner beside me, content on watching from the sidelines. I'd offered to let him explain it but he said, since I was the one that cracked the case, I got to break the news. Truth is, he just didn't want to do it. Whether he didn't think he could explain it or simply didn't understand it, I don't know, but at this moment he realized he could make a major political move and leaped for it.

“My name is Mike Digowski,” He said in his typical politician tone, “I'm with the state Police Commission and I'm going to do everything I can to ensure that there is a full investigation of these two officers and their actions and, if anything is found, they will be disciplined.”

That did nothing to soothe the crowd, I seriously doubt half of them even heard his comments. They continued yelling and the dull roar was become a loud, almost violent mess. By now both of the officers were fully aware of the crowd around them and were starting to looked panicked at the sight of the the angry populace.

Unsure of what to do, the one that had been moping just a few minutes before tapped his buddy on the shoulder and motioned for them to get out. They did so, backing out slowly with a loud, jeering mob not far behind them. When they hit the door of the auditorium, they broke off into a trot.

The audience pursued no further. Rather, the shouting became a dull murmur and then an almost universal exhale. The two cops were gone and they were going to have to deal with their neighbors later. Though I could tell from their faces that the crowd had gotten no peace from their shouting match, I figured that they could now begin to heal, because, if nothing else, they now had the truth.

The Dead Hypnotist: Part Six

The talk continued for another hour or so. After the cops ran out, the crowd had plenty of good questions for me. I did my best to answer them. Some of them, like questions about Jeffery's mental status or motivations, I could only give partial answers to, if any at all. Some others were too complicated to be answered right then and there, but most I answered with at least perceived grace and tact.

In the end, most of the families seemed convinced of my theory. At least they weren't angry with me for wasting their time or blowing smoke. Even those that weren't sure about what I had to say were thinking about it and, honestly, I understood. If I hadn't seen it myself, I doubt I would have believed it.

Though I offered to stay as long as they wanted and chat with them individually, when there were no more questions and everyone was dismissed, none stuck around. Instead, they just quietly gathered their coats and purses and headed for the exits.

When David went to do the same, I called out to him and waved for him to come over. With some trepidation, he did, and Mike slid over to join in the conversation.

“Hate to say it David, but we're not done with you yet.”

“Listen,” he said exasperated, “You can cut down as many trees as you want, I feel terrible about this and I want to make it right.”

“This isn't about the trees,” I said keeping my voice low, “This is about the gun in your house.”

“What about it?” he said puzzled.

“You said you haven't touched that gun since the date of your father's death. Is that right?”

“Yeah,” he said looking back and forth between Mike and myself, “I don't have license or registration for it, You're not going to bust me for having an illegal gun are you?”

“No, we're not going to bust you because you own a gun, but because your father never did.”

“Huh?” Was all David could muster.

I went to speak but Mike butted in, apparently he wanted to be the one to move in for the kill, “Your father hunted deer. You don't hunt deer with a shotgun, you use a rifle or a…”

“Haven't you heard of buck shot?” David said angrily. “Plenty of people hunt deer with shotguns you idiot.”

Mike reeled back. The tone of David's voice made him sound like a caged rat, but he had a point. Mike had jumped the gun and his ignorance was even more striking than David's arrogance. I tapped Mike softly on the shoulder and he correctly read it as a cue to step back.

“True, you can hunt deer with a shotgun, but your father didn't. He was a bow hunter. When he attacked the construction workers, he used a bow and I've talked to several locals and none of them recall seeing him with a shotgun at any point though most remember seeing his large, professional bow. Furthermore, though you can shoot deer with a shotgun, you wouldn't use a small 28 gauge like yours. It'd be a 12 or a 10 gauge.”

David could do nothing but stammer, his look of anger changed to panic. His eyes began to dart back and forth between Mike and myself as he frantically scrambled to find something, anything to say.

Mike, smelling blood, stepped in a gain, “The truth is that was your grandfather's gun wasn't it? People around here know that he was a good squirrel and rabbit hunter and a few remember him carrying that small shotgun around or buying ammo for it.”

“But if you need any more proof,” I said leaning in, “You said your father took the upstairs to the house and you took the downstairs after he moved in. Now why, on earth, would he hang his shotgun in your part of the house?”

David said nothing and a smirk came across Mike's face. He'd clearly missed his days on the force and was enjoying catching the perp, even if it was on my ticket.

“Be honest,” Mike said, “There was no suicide, there was no accident. You killed him. You hated what he was doing to your land, you hated that he had abandoned you and you hated that you were forced to share your house and your money with a runaway dad. You hated it so much that you went out and killed him, trying in vain to make it look like a suicide.”

Panic once again gave way to anger in David. Mike was playing too rough and I could see David clinching his fists, literally digging his nails into his palms. I tried to remember if he was right or left handed so I could watch for a wild swing, “You can't prove it,” he said through his teeth. “You can't prove a damn thing.”

I waited a few more minutes to let David's heaving die down. Mike was looking mortified. The two of us were unarmed and the only police for dozens of miles were probably trying to outrun a torch mob.

“You're right,” I said, trying to be as soothing as possible, “We can't prove anything.”

The reaction from David was swift. He relaxed. His eyes unclinched and his teeth stopped grinding. After just a few seconds, his trademark look of smugness came back. One could even catch a glint of white behind his smiling lips.

“But the FBI can,” I interrupted, “They probably just got done executing a search warrant on the gun and are going to dust it for fingerprints. If your father's prints don't show up on the gun, it's going to look very suspicious. Plus they're also reopening the case, including pulling all of the old files and blocking off the scene. Your father's death is going to get the investigation it should have gotten over two years ago.”

David's jaw dropped. There was no anger, no smugness, just disbelief. He darted back and forth between Mike and myself but said nothing though he gasped a few times as if to speak.

Then, without warning, he turned around and ran, dashing out the door of the auditorium and toward the parking lot. Mike went to go follow him but I grabbed his arm to stop him, “Let him go.” I said.

Mike didn't resist me. He just dropped his shoulders and straightened his jacket. “Yeah, he won't get far.”

I walked back over to the stage and began pulling all of my belongings together, “Don't worry about it, he's not trying to run, he's just going home to protect his property. He's strange that way.”

Mike sat down on the edge of the stage and leaned back resting on his hands, “Tell me something though. How'd you get a search warrant for his place? You don't have nearly enough to get a warrant for suspicion of murder.”

I switched off the overhead projector and started work folding up the first easel, “No, I didn't. But there was more than enough for suspicion of insurance fraud. I just told the FBI I thought Jeffery had killed himself and that his son and the police had covered it up for insurance reasons. All I needed for that was the inadequate police report and the information about the policy and suddenly both the FBI and judge were very cooperative.”

Mike let out a soft chuckle, “You're a slick bastard, you know that?”

“Yeah, I can be,” I said as I laid the first easel out and started work on the second, “But the FBI is still going to have to figure it out on their own and, when and if they do, they'll get full credit for it.”

Mike hopped up onto the stage, walked over to me and patted me on the back, “But we'll know the truth right?”

“Yep,” I said laying the second easel on top of the first, “And that's all that really matters. Now quit being lazy and help me pack this stuff away.”

Mike stopped and started looking around the room, “By the way, where's April?”

“Oh,” I said, “We noticed there wasn't a car registered to Jeffery Marx. She's getting the make, model and license of the car he drove in with and reporting it to the FBI, she should be back any second. You know, just in case I'm wrong about him not fleeing.”

“Well, lately, you don't seem like you can be wrong,” Mike said as he hopped down from the stage and began to move the folding chairs around.

I paused for only a second, remembered what I had done to poor Mr. Carney and resumed putting things away. My only hope was that, for him, the relief of knowing the truth was greater than the pain of the memories I'd drudged up.

“Everybody makes mistakes Mike, everybody.”

* * *

With cleanup, April and I didn't make it home until late that night. By the time we opened the door to our apartment, we were dead on our feet and could only manage to make it as far as the couch before we collapsed like a house of cards. There we sat, as still as the walls around us, trying to overcome the tension not only of the meeting, but of the long drive to and from the auditorium.

Though Mike had offered to put us up in a hotel room for the night, we refused, wanting nothing more than to sleep in our own bed. However, the long drive home quickly took it's toll on us and, like so many before us, we found ourselves unable to move from the splendid comfort of the couch.

April, for her part, had gotten all of the essential information from Jeffery's car and had already called the FBI. Apparently though, Jeffery did show up at his house where he was powerless to stop the investigation. If nothing else, his life wasn't going to be the same again.

After what seemed like an eternity, April got up and started stirring around in the kitchen. “Do you want a cappuccino?” She called out.

“Please,” I shouted back.

I continued zoning out and staring at the walls. For the first time in years I was frustrated at our lack of cable television. Though I've never been the type to watch much TV, it was certainly tempting right then, if nothing else than to have something to do while thoroughly ensconced on the couch, helpless to move.

Soon enough though, April came back with the cappuccino and I took a few sips. The caffeine and the sugar began to make it's way through my veins and I found myself perking up, at least enough to move around. After about half the mug, I set it down on an end table and slid over to April, holding her tight in my arms.

“Tired sweetie?” she asked.

“No, I'm just so awake I'm about to fall asleep,” I said, unable to bite my tongue.

April pushed me off and slapped my arm playfully before reaching around behind her, grabbing a pillow and tossing it at me. “Listen smartass,” she said with a giggle, “You can't get away with that here.”

I chuckled and grabbed my mug, taking a long sip, “I know, just couldn't help myself.”

“It's ok. I'll forgive you, you've had a long day.”

She was right too. I leaned forward on the sofa, clutching my cup in one hand and resting my other arm across my knees. I let my mind drift off as I began to remember not just the day behind me, but the entire investigation. Everything from the first call to the final meeting came back to me in a giant flood of emotions.

“You ok?” April asked after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah,” I said solemnly, “Just memories.”

“Hey!” She said, raising her voice to get my attention, “Don't get sad on me now. You solved the case, you should be happy.”

“I am,” I said flatly, “I'm just tired,” I raised my cup in the air, “But here's to busting curses and catching murderers. May we continue to do both.”

April tapped her mug with mine and we both took long gulps, “You know though,” April said after she pulled away from her cup, “In a way, there was a curse on the land. It just wasn't magical you know?”

“Yeah, well, at least this one we can do something about.”

“But you know the next time a yahoo goes flying off of that curve at ninety miles an hour and dies no one's going to believe you any more.”

I got up from the couch and began to take off my shirt, “Probably, but at least we know the truth and I'll be happy with that. Well, as long as I'm not the yahoo in question.”

April let out a soft chuckle and scratched behind her ear,

“Come on, it's time for bed. At least it is for me.”

April rocked back hard on the couched and rolled forward to her feet.

“I couldn't agree more.”

Doubt

If there's one thing my recent adventures have taught me, it's that there's no room for doubt when you're taking action.

Sure, we all know what it feels like to second guess ourselves, to stay awake late at night wondering what's going to really happen, imagining all of the worst-case scenarios we can dream up while wallowing in a sea of confusion and uncertainty. It's life, it's human nature, it's a part of who we are as animals but it's also a useless force that drowns us before we can ever start swimming and stops us before we can ever start moving.

We all need to know and respect our limitations and account for them in our plans. But there's a time for reality checks, and there's a time for marching forward. Sometimes, even in the face of overwhelming odds we need to press onward, sometimes, even in defeat, we need to hold our heads triumphant, sometimes, even in our darkest hours, we need to find a ray of hope inside ourselves.

It's too easy to doubt, it's too easy to take a look our situation, pronounce it hopeless and throw up our hands tossing aside any belief we had in ourself along the way. It's much harder to work through our feelings of doubt, to quell our self-destructive nature and to press onward when others would have quit. However, it's much more rewarding to do so.

Half of the struggles in life involve overcoming the obstacles placed in front of us, the other half involves overcoming the ones we place in front of ourselves and if we're not ready for both, then we're immediate failures. On that note, doubt is one of the surest paths to failure and one of the first things we must conquer.

However, that's something that's much easier said than done and that's why, even today, I find myself wrestling with doubt, almost endlessly. But at least now I know my enemy, at least now I can fight it on its own terms and at least now I have a chance at winning. Where once I just succumbed at first sight, I now press on as long as I can.

That's a step that many before me failed to take, but one I hope many after me do and do so better than myself and the others before them. That's the only way we can make progress because only those who believe they can change the world do so and only the wise men who know when to push aside doubt reach their full potential.

My Eye on Queer Eye

I don't watch a lot of television and I'm the first to admit that I'm not very up to date with the trends on it. However, lately that seems to be a good thing as television, traditionally the media of pop culture, has steadily grown worse and worse.

But the trend I consider the most disturbing is the trend of makeover shows. These shows, an extension of the ongoing trend of unscripted television (I refuse to call it reality TV anymore), disturb me in a way that no other show has been able to.

While these types of shows are hardly new, they've literally been around since the beginnings of television, they've been on a constant quest to one up themselves and progress to newer heights or dig to deeper depths depending on how you look at it.

That's why these shows have gone from offering makeovers to those who desire it to going out and trying to save the “terminally unhip” and those with no sense of style. Most of these shows now rely on friends and family to set up someone to go on the show, usually someone that dresses in a way that others feel is repulsive and needs to be fixed.

While this seems like harmless fun and perhaps a good joke, the problem that I see is that most of these poor suckers already have a style of their own, it just happens that their friends, family and the rest of the in vogue world doesn't seem to approve of it. Be it style based upon comfort, outdoors apparel or whatever, these people dress their bodies and design their homes as they want them to be and the way they feel the happiest. If they wanted to be up to date with modern trends, they'd either do it themselves or seek out help on their own.

If you need proof of this, just watch one of the “return” shows where they go back and visit old victims. You'll discover that many, if not most, have reverted back to their old ways either in whole or in part. You'd think if the makeover was what they wanted and needed that they'd have stuck with the program.

The truth is that this frightens me. Where once being out of touch with style and following your own lead simply got you odd looks and the occasional chuckle, now it can make you the subject of a half-hour nationally syndicated program. It's as if society, which has always despised iconoclasts and individuals, has now dedicated large blocks of television time to rehabilitating people that made the horrible mistake of following their own lead when it comes to clothing or their decorations.

To be blunt, I'm not playing. I'm know that I'm out of touch with fashion and that my black clothing would be great fodder for “What Not to Wear” or “Queer Eye” but anyone who has the gall to set me up for one of these shows is going to get a pair of boots clean up their, well, you get the idea.

Let's be honest with ourselves. These shows are little more than an exercise in conformity and what little individual expression that is allowed in it is both tightly controlled and regulated. When you consider the power that television could have to promote creativity and expression, it's pitiful to see it used to showcase herd mentality so blatantly.

Of course, I shouldn't act shocked. Television has been the primary weapon of pop culture for as long as it has been around. It just used to be that it had the decency of slipping its conformity-driven message into slick commercials or under the surface in entertaining shows. Now it just slaps us in the face with it.

It's so flagrant it's disturbing and while it's hard to deny the entertainment value of the show, after all, change is inherently dramatic, it's the ethical values I have to question.

After all, do we really want a society where everyone follows the same trends and looks, dresses and decorates the same way? We don't, but marketers do and that's exactly why these shows exist, to please marketers. The fact that you and millions of others find it interesting, that's just an added bonus.

Keep that in mind the next time you sit down to another makeover show, I think you'll see what I mean.

In the Dark

There are times when I’m inconsolable
when the world around me becomes too much
and my demons come out to feast on me again
There are times when I’m hopeless
when I’m too lost to return home
and I don’t need your comforting touch
I just need to be left alone to sit quietly in the dark

Don’t offer me a friendly hand
nor a tender embrace of love
Just let me surround myself with shadows
and let my troubles eat me whole
Don’t try to save me when I can’t be saved
and keep your tender words for another day
a day when the tides of my heart have changed
and my soul flows the other way

But until that time remember that I love you
and that you’re still the keeper of my heart
but for the moment love is not my friend
and your tender touch and sweetest smile
are like poison to my aching soul
So let me be
Let me sit alone in the dark
Let me find comfort in forgotten lusts
Let me bandage my heart with solitude
and dry my tears with time

I know that you understand
and I pray that you’ll return
Because I long for when I can emerge from these shadows
and once again cherish the smile glistening
across your sweet, tender face




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Raven's Rants:
The First Five Years


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